I came to Blackhawk because I moved in with my daughter after my divorce. They were members at Blackhawk Fitchburg. They invited me along, and I went, and I really liked going there. I feel like it’s a family there.
My whole life I have felt not good enough. I didn’t grow up with a mom, and I feel like moms are the ones that say, “Oh, you’re so wonderful” and “You’re so beautiful.” Even though, you may not be [laughs].
And so, I always kind of blamed it on that, as the reason why I didn’t have self-confidence. I remember being in high school and when I would go to the bathroom and wash my hands, I wouldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I just wasn’t pretty enough.
I was never pretty enough, I was never good enough, I was never smart enough, I was never talented enough. And so I just tried harder. I tried to be more, I tried to be skinnier, I tried to study harder, I tried to do things for people. I was always a doer – what can I do to make you love me? And I never knew how to say ‘no’. I bought people things because that would make them love me and think that I was worthwhile.
And then, I started seeking that in relationships. And so, when my marriage failed, I tried again and got married again. And when that failed, I tried again. And, that failed and then, I tried more relationships and every time it was, “What else can I do? What else can I do? How can I make you love me?”
And when that fell apart, I fell apart, and I was on my knees when I finally looked up and said, “Oh I finally see it. It’s not him or her or them, it’s you that is the unconditional love. You love me for who I am, no matter what I do.”
At this point in my life, I have given myself over to Christ. About a year ago, I decided when I looked up, that was my calling. He was saying, “Come home. I’m here, and I want to take control of your life.” And I needed to relinquish that control. And I think when I did, it was a revelation for me. And, I knew that my next step was to profess that faith.
I just feel it every day. I feel Him there telling me, “You’re okay, you’re okay. You’re beautiful, you’re my child. There’s nothing that you can do that I won’t love you.”